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Eulogy of the Scorned [entries|friends|calendar]

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Alright... [28 Sep 2004|12:11pm]
[ mood | calm ]

Leave a comment if you wish to be added to my new friends list on my new username.

Otherwise...thanks for your time.

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A new start... [28 Sep 2004|11:21am]
[ mood | contemplative ]

I guess it's time for a new beginning...it's time to shed the skin that I've been in for the longest time.

I'm just going to try and get over it...so with that, I shall end this particular journal.

I'm going to create a new journal and avoid the rants I so often make.

I will update this one last time with my new username, until then...

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Boredom leads to thinking, thinking leads to hurting, hurting leads to writing,,, [27 Sep 2004|11:48pm]
[ mood | crushed ]

Vanity...that's what has torn apart some of my greatest friendships and relationships.

I look back and say, "Hey, what the fuck was I thinking?"

I've been mulling over a few things lately...I can't change them, but, Hell, I can't stop thinking about them...

Life has taken a lot of ups and downs for me in the last year. I think I've made four big mistakes this year:

1.) Breaking up with Melissa.

- It was the longest relationship I have had, we got along superbly, and I mean, there was tons of potential.

Where does vanity come into play?
- Well, I thought I had the power to leave her and jump into a relationship with Kristi, that I wouldn't hurt because I possessed this "strength" that could carry me above the pain of loss and catapult me into the realm of happiness.

2.) Leading on Shaina.

- Because she's an innocent, young girl who just wanted to be loved, and I didn't want love, I wanted to have friends with benefits. She came into my life at the worst possible time, when I was on the rebound and I wasn't looking for a serious relationship.

Where does vanity come into play?
- The fact that she had such a desire for me that I could use that to my advantage. I'm glad I didn't take it too far, which is very comforting.

3.) Trying to make things work with Kristi and failing.

- Because we are two people that are meant to be together, but, we also need to find a happy medium before we try to date again.

Where does vanity come into play?
- I assumed I "didn't need" her, that I could live comfortably without her.

4.) Hurting Geralyn.

- Because she was the one friend who didn't care what I did, how I dressed, what music I listened to, and what I could do for her. She cared about me regardless of how much I gave back. I've never had anyone care for me like that outside my family.

Where does vanity come into play?
- I chose to have looks over true love. I wanted Kristi because she was pretty and girly and that I'm still obsessed with her. I could've had something far deeper with Geralyn, but I chose otherwise. Not an intelligent decision.

Those are a few things that have been gnawing at my conscious for a while. I wish I could just make everything better, but I've fucked myself into a hole.

I guess I'll just have to go on and hope that someday life will take a turn for the better.

I just wish it'd happen sooner than later, but, oh well...

2 comments|post comment

Survey lifted from Derek and stuff... [26 Sep 2004|05:31pm]
[ mood | drained ]

surveyCollapse )

Oh yeah...surveys rock!

So...let's see...what have I been up to?


- I went to the Durham Fair.

It was ok. I went with Shawn and Kane, and we just basically hung around for a couple hours. I got a beanie that says "White Trash" on it, and I bought a remake of an old Betty Page photo advertisement. I ate all my favorite fair foods, and then we went to Strawberries and I bought "Cruelty and the Beast". Sweetness.


- Class at 11:00.

That sucked as usual. Then to work at 2:45 to 10:30. The computers decided to keep fucking up and piss me off. I had to call the help desk about, literally, eight times. I had to block off the pumps at least three times and then fuckin' wait for the technicians to fuck with the computer and fix it. They did the same thing three times, and finally they got the pumps functioning properly (as well as my register). It only took them about three hours.

After work, I picked up Shawn and we went to Friendly's, because I wanted my fucked-up chicken sandwich. Apparently, that was a limited-time offer. Instead, we both ended up getting the same damn meal...oriental sesame chicken. It was good, along with the "Munchie Mania" we shared.

Then, home...


Just a load of crap. I felt like getting a lot of sleep, so I stayed home instead of going out to breakfast with my parents and my grandfather and his wife. I told my parents I was going to get some shit done, but, they came home much earlier than I thought they would, so, I didn't do jack shit. My mother yelled at me, and then had me put away all the groceries and also do a bunch of shit around the house.

Then, I had to get my mother food...agh.

I wonder what they'd get done if I were to live on campus. They'd probably leave their dirty dishes around and have me come home on the weekends to clean the fuckin' house.

I'm tired and I have a history paper due Tuesday. Luckily, it only has to be a page long. It's just a really stupid topic:

"Why does American history before 1700 matter?"

Agh. Two reasons from the book, one reason from our class discussions, and then one of our own. It's so gay.

Then, I have three quizzes this week: Music history, Brit Lit, and Psych. Agh.

Then a paper due a week from Thursday in my Brit Lit class...three pages double spaced, not bad at all.

I found out, Children of Bodom will be playing in MA on a Friday, they're coming to CT on a Thursday, and I can't miss my Brit Lit class, so I think we're going up to see them at the Palladium. Sweetness.

It's going to be busy few weeks...agh.

I can't wait until this semester is over...my cousin is going to help me pick easy classes for my next semester...not that these classes are insanely difficult, it's just that, if I'm going to be bored, at least have the class be easy.

Well, it's time to either start my history paper or lie around...I think I'll choose the latter of the two.

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Never once did she say she fuckin' loved me... [23 Sep 2004|10:47pm]
[ mood | rejected ]

Is it wrong to get pissed about something like that?

We dated for about six months, and I know love can't be pushed, but we were friends for years, and I left the biggest relationship in that point of my life to try and find a greater level of happiness with her. I could've patched things up with Kristi, and who knows where the fuck we'd be right now? We'd be waiting to get married...I could almost guarantee it. But, I went and ran off with her.

And for awhile, a long while actually, life couldn't have been better. I feel like ranting, so those of you not interested in my past relationship should skip this next whole section (I'll be nice and mark it off, I'm not putting it behind a cut, because people rarely look behind a cut). Here it goes:

It all started on Friday the 13th, June 2003. It was my morbidly romantic way of telling her that she meant the world to me, that I'd be a poser fool to chose the 13th, especially Friday the 13th, to start our relationship.

Actually...it started before then, not the relationship itself, but what precipitated to what became our relationship.

We had dated in late 2002, and it ended just after the beginning of 2003. I had foolishly asked an ex to send me revealing photos on a lonely New Years' Eve, for instead of talking to me on that night, Melissa was busy getting drunk and spending time with the friends who viciously made fun of her religion and family. She promised she would talk to me, and when I tried calling her, she told me to call back after the ball had dropped. I called, she didn't answer.

I was torn up with guilt about looking at the pictures, and I was going to an ex-girlfriend's birthday (with two ex-girlfriends), where there would be a vast majority of females over males, I was one of two males there. So, I broke things off with her so I wouldn't do something stupid and break her heart worse than I already had. It was only in the middle of our long relationship that I had told her about the pictures my ex-girlfriend had sent me. She had forgiven me totally and said it wouldn't have even bothered her at all, as long as I cared about her at the end of the day, it was just like looking at photos of porn stars...it can't hurt, unless you go out and try to fuck them.

But back to where it all began...

Kristi and I had been dating a long time, things were going well. I had lost my virginity to her, and we made love a lot, and loved each other so much, we planned to get married after high school...but...things started going awry...

She started talking to this asshole, Zack...he seemed innocent enough, he lived out of state, and he was an aspiring musician, harmless right? WRONG. The motherfucker was writing love songs and flirting with my girlfriend. I could've fuckin' beat his brains in. She was so fuckin' interested in him..."Oh he writes his own songs!" "So do I." "Well, he can record them." "Well, if I had the money, I'd record mine." "He said he wrote a song just for me!" "I've written songs for and about you baby, you know how much you mean to me." "But, he sent it to me, and I got to listen to it!" "Well, if you ever asked me to play something for you, I would." She never seemed to give a shit about me and what I was doing with my music and my life, but this guy was like a god to her or something.

It all went crashing down on Easter night of 2003. The day itself was great, she was so sweet to me. We cuddled on the couch and she rented one of my favorite movies just for me ("The Nightmare Before Christmas") and then the night came. Her relatives left, and I was waiting for my dad to come and get me. Then, the phone rings. It's Zack. She goes and talks to him, that's just plain fuckin' rude. I told her it would be nice to just have the rest of the night to just me and her, but she kept talking. Then we started arguing. Then, I broke out in tears, she just made me feel like I was less than this fucking stranger, this motherfucker who was trying to covet the one fucking thing in this world that I loved.

Melissa, around this time, had started talking to me again. I would complain to her about what Kristi was doing to me, and how insane she was driving me, and we would talk for hours about nothing, and it was just a real pleasure to have someone there who would listen to me and care about the things I said.

That's when Kristi went into the defensive bitch mode. She was claiming Melissa was trying to destroy our relationship and that she was "clouding my mind". She cut out one of those little "Love is..." comic strips and made some analogy with it and made me swear my love for her was absolute. Well, it was...until she started getting under my skin to the point where any little thing would have her threatening to break up with me. If I wore too much makeup, if I grew my hair out, if I spent time with Melissa.

We went on a break for a few weeks. Melissa and I spent some time together in that time.

She took me to see "House of 1,000 Corpses", and that night was just great. We went to the mall and I bought my first death metal cd (Cryptopsy - None So Vile) and we just held hands and acted like we were a couple. We cuddled during the movie, and when she took me home, she kissed me on the cheek, but I decided, "Why not give her a real kiss?" So I kissed her on the lips. That probably wasn't the smartest move.

The next "date" we went on, we went to Barnes and Nobles and looked around, then went to the graveyard in Northford where my great grandmother's remains are. We spent the night looking, but it was dark and misty out, so we could barely see. She took me back home and the night just added rather sourly.

The next week, Kristi and I were back together. No more than a few days later, she basically told me that she liked Zack and that I could either deal with it and she'd still be with me and love me, or that we should just break up. I chose the latter of the two, I couldn't deal with her not being totally dedicated to me.

So, school was coming to an end, and summer was nearing, Melissa and I spent an evening together at her house. We watched "Ice Age" and cuddled. I sat listened to her heart beating, we exchanged just these long, meaningful stares. I played with her hair, she played with mine, and we just knew there was chemistry more powerful than either of us had ever realized in our first relationship.

So...Friday the 13th rolls around, and I knew what I was going to do. She picked me up that night, and we went to a church function, basically a buffet/cake raffle. It was fun...considering it was a Mormon function (she's a "devout" Mormon). One of the kids was just like, "Tell your girlfriend"...and her and I just took things as they were. People kept asking us how long we had been together and whatnot, and at the end of the evening, I was just like, "Well, do you want to be mine?" She just smiled and said "yes".

Life was good. Seriously amazing. School was over and we spent the summer nights together for the most part. I blew my money on her and we went out a lot, and it was just a great summer. I took her to OZZfest, didn't make her pay a cent for the best seats available to the public. I felt she didn't even appreciate that...

There started to be a few things that bothered me in the relationship...

First of all...she never argued with me. She never raised her voice, she never got mad with me. She just took things with this amazing amount of grace...it annoyed me. It was just like, "CHRIST WILL YOU FUCKIN' YELL AT ME, CALL ME A NAME! SCREAM...DO SOMETHING!"

The second thing is a little less serious, but it's the little things that matter right? Well...as I said, I took her to OZZfest and she didn't seem to appreciate it. I didn't expect her to want to be around me all day, but I asked her just once, once to come up front with me for Cradle of Filth. She knew that was the biggest reason why I went to see OZZfest and she didn't come with me. This happened again at the Nevermore concert, when they came on, she was just like, "Oh, go ahead and enjoy them honey, I'm going to sit and talk to my friends." I wanted her to see me enjoying the concert...but no...she couldn't do that for me, just that one little goddamn thing. I could've taken anyone to those shows, but I wanted to share what I loved with her and I gave her the option of not goijng, I told her it wasn't that big of a deal, I could find someone else to go, but she was just like, "Honey, I'll go just to see you happy." Well...I gave you the chance to see me at my happiest, but you were to busy smoking and chatting it up with your friends. Goddammit.

So...school time rolls around, we spend less and less time together, and we drift apart, Kristi becomes a threat to the relationship, because I still loved (and still love) her. I couldn't get her off my mind, so that fucking tore our relationship in half. The summer sheltered us from this happening, but now that she was spending little time with me and Kristi was in my face every fucking day, I wanted her back, and started to really resent Melissa. Well...things came apart after the Nevermore concert...

I was on the verge of saying those three words to her...and I remember the exact instance when I was going to say it to her. I wanted it to be special, I wanted it to have meaning.

We were outside of Toad's Place before the Nevermore show and she went to light up a cigarette, I told her to not do it, and she stopped. I looked into her eyes, and they just shone like never before. They were full of this beautiful innocence and vibrance that I had never seen in someone else's eyes before, I just couldn't stay mad at her. I was like, "I have something to say..." and trailed off. I look back on it and I really had wished I had fucking said it. It might've saved us, I might've attached myself to her and stayed out of trouble and not fucked my life into the shithole it's in now.


In her profile now, it says, "blah blah blah 'Wait, they don't love you like I love you." Fuck. She's found love and it tears me up inside. Just like Kristi and her boyfriend. Everyone has someone to love pretty much, and I'm here stuck cursing my stupidity and am lonely beyond the point of words. It probably doesn't help that I think and talk about it so goddamn much, but FUCK! I can't help it.

There, it's over now...

My day was ok. Not too great, but then again, it went by quickly enough. Woke up, mowed the lawn, did some housework, went to class, and went home.

I hope work goes by just as fast. The Durham Fair is tomorrow night and I'm going with Shawn and Kane and I'm going to stuff myself stupid with horribly fatty fair food. Fried dough, gyros, french fries, steak sandwiches, hamburgers, candy...all the shit I really shouldn't eat so much of.

I cut my hair too. I mean, all by myself. It's like, a faux-hawk...it's shaved on the sides, and the back and top are long. I found out one of the people from personnel goes to Southern and she saw the haircut, she didn't look to happy.

Well...that's it...I have to get up tomorrow at around 4:00 AM and get to work and not be late this time. And, yay...paycheck-ness. Sweet.

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Errors in staying up late and eating cheesy popcorn [22 Sep 2004|10:07am]
[ mood | lazy ]

After class, I was hungry because I didn't eat a "real" dinner...all I had was a little bag of Combos, a Nature Valley granola bar, and a Coke. So, I decided to go get some snacks at the local conveniencfe store. I ended up spending eleven dollars because I wanted to also get the new copy of Revolver.

Was it worth the money? Somewhat. I ended up getting a bag of Cooler Ranch Doritos and some Smartfood popcorn along with the mag. I devoured the popcorn when I got home, it was quite good, I must say.

I was up until two in the morning talking to a friend of mine, so...sleep was rather brief. I woke up at 9:30ish, and I'm very lucky I did, for if I didn't, I would've been late to work, again...

I never mentioned my lateness of last Friday. Oh man...it was BAD.

A friend of mine kept me on the phone until about 1:30 in the morning, I finally got to sleep with some music on (I was still in the guest room at the time, and all I had was my walkwan). I woke up at 4:00, looked at the clock and was like, "I can sleep until 5:00." I was quite wrong to go back to sleep. I felt refreshed in the sleep, but, I awoke with a shock to my system. I was thinking, "I know I'm late." I look out the window and the sun is up, and then I looked at the clock, it was 6:30! I dove out of bed and got dressed, and my dad's like, surprisingly, not mad. He's like, "Just tell them your alarm clock didn't go off."

I jetted off to work. Luckily, the managers were busy with inventory, they didn't even realize I hadn't come in, nor did they find someone to cover the opening portion of the shift, the gas station was closed until I got there.

I told one of the managers what happened and he didn't seem to care, I went with the other Russian bastard of a manager, and he's like, "You're in deep shit."

That was it.

I get my paycheck Friday, so, I'll find out if my pay was adjusted around my lateness (if they even found out), or if I will get counceled for my stupidity. But, then again, nothing could happen, because if I didn't punch in or out, they have nothing to really go by. They can look at the key log, but, that's not going to get them much of anywhere.

But...that's been the excitement of my last week.

Today...I'm looking forward to class. I love my math class, it's easy, the teacher is a great guy, and I learn the material really well. I got a 100 on my first test, and he says all tests (including the final) count the same. If all the tests are as easy as the first (which he said they are), I'll ace the class. He said the final is the EXACT replica of all our other tests lumped into one conglamorative beast. That's the same thing our music history class. Sweet.

Well...I have to get dressed and go to work. Maybe something interesting will happen today.

Until later...

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Lifted from another friend's journal (outside of LJ) [22 Sep 2004|01:00am]
[ mood | discontent ]

1. Do you wear spike bracelets? I used to.
2. Do you wear jelly bracelets? I used to.
3. Do you wear converse? Yeah.
4. Do you wear black nailpolish? Yes.
5. Do you wear band t-shirts? That's all I basically own.
6. Do you wear skateboard companies? Fuck no.
7. Do you wear surfing companies? Fuck no.

8. Do you wear dirtbike companies? Fuck no.
9. Do you wear striped shirts? I would.
10. Do you wear solid polo shirts? Like Polo brand? No. Like...regular "polo" style shirts? Yeah.
11. Do you wear chokers? I have a spiked collar, is that a "choker"? Probably not.
12. Do you wear lock necklaces? I have one.
13. Does it take you five minutes or less to do your hair? Usually, unless I want to do something with it.
14. Do you wear lots of eyeliner? When I feel like it, yeah.
15. Do you use a backpack or messenger bag? Both.
16. Do you wear darker colors? ?Yeah.
17. Do you wear neon colors? Eh...
18. Do you wear 'whats in' or stick with your old jeans? I wear what I have in the closet, and if I need new clothes, I buy them.
19. Do you wear sweatshirts and jeans? Jeans, yeah, sweatshirts, no.
20. Do you wear knee socks? Yeah, if I have to.

21. Do you have character shoe laces? Nope.
22. Do you have drumstixx but dont play? I have a set of sticks and a practice pad.
23. Do you have guitar pics but dont play? I have pics and I play.
24. Do you have the Nightmare Before Christmas on tape or DVD? I have it on DVD.
25. Do you have the Breakfast Club on tape or DVD? Ugh...no.
26. Do you have 16 Candles or Pretty in Pink on tape or DVD? NO NO NO.
27. How many CD's do you own? Like...130 or so.
28. How many DVD's do you own? Like 20.
29. How many tapes do you own? None, I got rid of them all.
30. How many piercings do you have? Two (although I still have the holes from my other ear piercings).
31. How many tattoos do you have? None at the moment.

32. Do you write your name a million different ways on 1 blank sheet of paper? If I get really bored.
33. Do you draw a lot of pictures of hearts? No.
34. Is the volume on anything that plays music in your house really loud? Usually.
35. Do you stay up late to watch Invader Zim? Nope.
36. Do you sing out of key purposly when your hyper? No.
37. When a song comes on you like do you rock out? Hell yes.
38. Do you push buttons multiple times? (even if they say DONT PUSH!) No.
39. Do you draw with white out on a lot of stuff? No.
40. Do you color your nails with sharpies? I used to.
41. Do you sit there listening to songs and relate the lyrics to your life? Sometimes.
42. Do you pick one song and learn all the lyrics? If I really like the song.
43. Do you daydream a lot? Too much.
44. Do you share lockers with your friends? Don't have lockers in college.
45. Are you distracted by shiny objects? No.
46. Do you know where every sharp object is in your house? Yeah, because I have to clean all of them.
47. Do you play DDR constantly? No.
48. Do you write on your skin with pen? No.
49. Do you bite your nails? If they bother me.
50. Do you update your journal daily? Pretty much.
51. Do you have more guy then girl friends? No.
52. Watch FUSE 24/7? Fuck no. Only Uranium occassionally.
53. Do you have a favorite pillow? Yes.
54. Do you have oversived stuffed animals? No.
55. Are you secretly in love with your friends older brother? LOL...that's funny, I just realized that this is a girl's survey...
56. Do you play with lighters? Yeah.

D0 Y0U WANT T0 ...
57. Be in a mosh pit? Been in a ton of 'em.
58. Go to a party your parents would never approve of? Yeah.
59. Go to Warped Tour? Only if good bands were there.
60. Runaway from home? No.
61. Tell everyone off? Yes.
62. Go to California with someone you love? Yes.
63. Have a practical president for once? Yeah.
64. Make peace with an enemy? Eh...
65. Make out with someone from a band? Yeah, I'd like some tongue action with either the singer of Walls of Jericho or Lacuna Coil...oh yes.
66. Buy out Pac Sun or Hot Topic? No.
67. Get a piece of candy by now? Yes.
68. End this survey? Gladly.

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Dammit all [19 Sep 2004|10:40pm]
[ mood | bored ]

I have a wicked headache and I'm really moody.

I finally put my new bed together, I put it together backwards and had to take it apart and start again, and once it was finally done, I washed the sheets and comforter and now it's ready for me to sleep in. Finally, I can sleep in my own bedroom.

Aside from that, the usual work schedule...ugh. I'm going to look for a new job possibly, something a little more challenging or labor intensive, and something where I can wear facial piercings.

I met a new person online and she seems really awesome, too bad she lives at least an hour away.

I just felt like mentioning those few little things.


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Bored...so some surveyness [19 Sep 2004|12:21pm]
[ mood | crushed ]

[01.] I miss somebody right now. X
[02.] I don't watch much TV these days. X
[03.] I love olives.
[04.] I love sleeping. X
[05.] I own lots of books. X
[06.] I wear glasses or contact lenses. X
[07.] I love to play video games. depends
[08.] I've tried marijuana. X
[09.] I've watched porn movies. X
[10.] I have been in a play.
[11.] I have been the psycho-ex in a past relationship. I don't know.
[12.] I believe honesty is usually the best policy. for the most part, yes.
[13.] I have acne free skin most of the time.
[14.] I like and respect Al Sharpton. LOL.
[15.] I curse frequently. X
[16.] I have changed a lot mentally over the last year. X
[17.] I have a hobby. X
[18.] I've been told I have a nice butt. Oddly enough, yes.
[19.] I carry my knife/razor everywhere with me.
[20.] I'm really, really smart. I'll be vain and say yes.
[21.] I've never broken someone's bones. X
[22.] I have a secret that I am ashamed to reveal. I don't know.
[23.] I hate the rain.
[24.] I'm paranoid at times. X
[25.] I would get plastic surgery if it were 100% safe, free of cost, and scar free. Just liposuction.
[26.] I need money right now. X
[27.] I love sushi.
[28.] I talk really, really fast. Depending, not usually.
[29.] I have fresh breath in the morning.
[30.] I have semi-long hair.
[31.] I have lost money in Las Vegas.
[32.] I have at least one brother and/or one sister.
[33.] I was born in a country outside of the U.S.
[34.] I shave my legs.
[35.] I have a twin.
[37.] I couldn't survive without Caller I.D.
[38.] I like the way that I look. Sometimes
[39.] I have lied to a good friend in the past 6 months. X
[40.] I know how to do cornrows.
[41.] I am usually pessimistic. X
[42.] I have mood swings.
[43.] I think prostitution should be legalized. X
[44.] I think Britney Spears is hot. She used to be.
[45.] I have cheated on significant other.
[46.] I have a hidden talent. I don't know.
[47.] I'm always hyper no matter how much sugar I have.
[48.] I think that I'm popular.
[49.] I am currently single. X
[50.] I have kissed someone of the same sex. Someone of the same sex kissed me, I didn't want to be kissed.
[51.] I enjoy talking on the phone. Depends.
[52.] I practically live in sweatpants or PJ pants.
[53.] I love to shop. For cds and t-shirts, yes.
[54.] I would rather shop than eat.
[55.] I would classify myself as ghetto.
[56.] I'm bourgie and have worn a sweater tied around my shoulders.
[57.] I'm obsessed with my LJ.
[58.] I don't hate anyone.
[59.] I'm a pretty good dancer.
[60.] I don't think Mike Tyson raped Desiree Washington. X
[61.] I'm completely embarrassed to be seen with my mother.
[62.] I have a cell phone. X
[63.] I watch MTV on a daily basis.
[65.] I have passed out drunk in the past 6 months.
[66.] I love drama.
[67.] I have never been in a real relationship before.
[68.] I've rejected someone before. I guess...?
[69.] I currently have a crush on someone. X it's more than a crush, it's an obsession.
[70.] I have no idea what I want to do for the rest of my life.
[71.] I want to have children in the future. X
[72.] I have changed a diaper before.
[73.] I've had the cops called on me before.
[74.] I bite my nails. When I have to.
[75.] I am a member of the Tom Green fan club.
[76.] I'm not allergic to anything.
[77.] I have a lot to learn. X
[78.] I have dated someone at least 10 years younger or older.
[79.] I plan on seeing Ice Cube's newest "Friday" movie. X
[80.] I am very shy around the opposite sex sometimes. X
[81.] I'm online 24/7, even as an away message.
[82.] I have at least 5 away messages saved.
[83.] I have tried alcohol or drugs before. X
[84.] I have made a move on a friend's significant other in the past. Not purposely.
[85.] I own the "South Park" movie. X
[86.] I have avoided assignments at work to be on LJ.
[87.] When I was a kid I played "the birds and the bees" with a neighbor or chum.
[88.] I enjoy some country music. X
[89.] I love my best friend.
[90.] I think that Pizza Hut has the best pizza.
[91.] I watch soap operas whenever I can.
[92.] I'm obsessive, anal retentive, and often a perfectionist. X
[93.] I have used my sexuality to advance my career.
[94.] I love Michael Jackson, scandals and all.
[95.] I know all the words to Slick Rick's "Children's Story".
[96.] Halloween is awesome because you get free candy. X
[97.] I watch Spongebob Squarepants and I like it.
[98.] I have dated a close friend's ex. X
[99.] I have had sex. X
[100.] I'm happy as of this moment.

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Ugh.............the loneliness is kickin' in... [18 Sep 2004|11:59pm]
[ mood | gloomy ]

Man, I feel like shit. I haven't been this low in a VERY long time.

Well, at least last night was good.

I got out of work, cashed my juicy check, and then went home for a bit. Then I picked up Shawn and we got his check from Big Y. Onwards to Kane's, picked him up, and then to Foodmart in Branford to visit Kristi dearest.

She was busy, but I said "Hi" and gave her an obnoxiously long and bearish hug. Afterwards we headed over to Strawberries, I got four new cds:

Lacuna Coil - Comalies
Gorerotted - Only Tools and Corpses (used)
Cradle of Filth - Bitter Suites to Succubi
Malevolent Creation - Envenomed

All very awesome cds I must say. I got a call from the lead singer of Zeller (a local hard rock band), and he said he could meet me in Wallingford to pick up the cds I wanted to buy. We dashed over there, and I got three copies of their two disc demo set. I gave the other two to Shawn and Kane as sort of a "band" gift.

Then dinner, the 99, it was quite good. Oreo milkshake, toasted raviolis, and coconut battered shrimp. Nice.

Then back to my house to jam, we have some interesting shit getting thrown about.

That's really it. Work was boring today...

Oh yeah...

The other day, something interesting did happen...

This woman came in, with a rotweiler, but, this wasn't your "run-of-the-mill" dog, it had mange and a missing leg in the front. It was running around the pumps and then laid down next to its owner. But this wasn't all, the woman had a gray parrot on her shoulder. You really had to see it, it was fuckin' hilarious. Taylor (the other kid who works at the gas station), started laughing over the loudspeaker when he tried to call for a shift change.

Today, I'm opening the gas station...which means, I have to be up in about four and a half hours. Ugh. But, it's a short Sunday shift, which means more money and an easy day. Hopefully, I can get ahold of my friend Kate and I can go visit her.

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Anyways... [16 Sep 2004|11:00pm]
[ mood | crappy ]

Since I forgot to update this yesterday...let's see, has anything exciting happened within the past two days?


I got cable internet finally, which is sweet, and the priest came to the gas station again.

Besides that, nothing truly exciting happened.

I had my math quiz last night, and that was easy as Hell, and today just dragged along...agh.

Besides that, I've become affixed to Mindless Self Indulgence. I used to listen to them all the time, and then I stopped when I got into Nevermore really heavily. Now I'm listening to them everyday on the way to Southern. I swear, I act like a wigger so badly, I turn the bass all the way up, flip my hat sideways, and roll down the windows, just to be obnoxious.

Like tonight, I pulled up to a traffic light with the windows rolled down, and there was this black guy in the car next to me, and he sees me pull up, bass blasting, then looks at me with my hat turned sideways, and he had this look on his face like, "Damn whiteboy". I wanted to throw him some type of mangled hand signal, but that would've been stupid.

I have to get up and open the gas station tomorrow...that's going to suck.

I nearly told off this one woman yesterday. I had counted all the money, and it was already past 5:00, and I was ready to leave...and she makes me give her all this fucked up change so that I'd have to recount the entire fucking drawer. I threw the money in the little drawer device, and she was like, all skiddish and shit, "You're welcome". Am I supposed to thank you for making my job more difficult? I was swearing under my breath, I said shit like, "Fuckin' bull-dyke bitch." I doubt she caught any of it, but, even if she did, the worst that could happen is that I'd get fired...oh boy! Eh. I really don't care at this point.

I was just in a really shitty frame of mind, I was hungry, low on gas, ready the to leave, the managers weren't responding to our calls, and it just all stacked on top of me, and I was ready to fuckin' kill someone.

I left, and ran to the bank, which, of course, to add to the shittiness, I bumped into my mother, who I had to tell I was at the Stop & Shop to get gas money. Agh. I really didn't need that shit.

I can't wait to get my check and get the fuck out of work tomorrow. Afterward, I'm going to visit Kristi at her job, and then, finally, I will go to Pasta Fair (if they still are offering the "neverending pasta bowl"), if not, I'm going to find something to stuff myself with one way or another. I'm also going to make some much desired cd purchases:

Lacuna Coil - "Comalies"
Cradle of Filth - "Cruelty and the Beast" & "Bitter Suites to Succubi"

Death - "Individual Thought Patterns" or "Sound of Perserverance"
Sodom - "Agent Orange"

there's probably more I can't think of right now.

I'm going to soothe my mental pain with false happines brought by the aquirrance of new things.

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Nifty [15 Sep 2004|10:12pm]
[ mood | aggravated ]

My LiveJournal Trick-or-Treat Haul
mr_misanthropy goes trick-or-treating, dressed up as eric draven.
16:__longgoodnight gives you 9 light blue banana-flavoured pieces of bubblegum.
confuzedblonde4 gives you 19 light orange lemon-flavoured nuggets.
dreamside gives you 2 blue peach-flavoured gummy bears.
impaledcorpse tricks you! You get a broken toy car.
nurse_kryssy gives you 6 white grape-flavoured wafers.
techchick04 tricks you! You get a pen cap.
up_the_irons gives you 12 light orange watermelon-flavoured gumdrops.
vital_remains gives you 9 light orange chocolate-flavoured gummy bears.
vomit_lust gives you 5 orange cola-flavoured gummy bears.
mr_misanthropy ends up with 62 pieces of candy, a broken toy car, and a pen cap.
Go trick-or-treating! Username:
Another fun meme brought to you by rfreebern.

That's certainly interesting...damn you Derek and Jocie for tricking me!
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Melissa... [14 Sep 2004|12:01pm]
[ mood | crushed ]

convoCollapse )

XMr MisanthropyX [11:38 AM]: i had a priest come to window yesterday
XMr MisanthropyX [11:38 AM]: that was funny
[11:38 AM]: in his little neck thing?
XMr MisanthropyX [11:38 AM]: yep
XMr MisanthropyX [11:38 AM]: full get-up
[11:39 AM]: wow.. interesting
XMr MisanthropyX [11:39 AM]: i was wearing a pentagram around my neck
XMr MisanthropyX [11:39 AM]: lol
[11:39 AM]: lmao.. and he didnt damn u right there?
XMr MisanthropyX [11:39 AM]: he gave me this nervous smile and left
[11:40 AM]: u made a priest feel uneasy. how fun is that?
XMr MisanthropyX [11:40 AM]: awesome
XMr MisanthropyX [11:40 AM]: lol

partCollapse )

I miss her still.

I want to see her soon.


I guess everything else is ok. I'm talking to Kristi right now, and I guess things are ok between us.

I just feel lonely...that's all...

"I am smiling, but inside, I cry" - "Hollow Inside" - Fear My Thoughts

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"Ulck...with a side of Ulck..." [13 Sep 2004|07:06pm]
[ mood | cranky ]

I'd like to put that full quote in here:

"...Gotta love your job, 'cuz so many of us have horrible jobs. I think the worst feeling is when you wake up late for your job, especially if it's a shitty job. Right? 'Cuz You wake up late for your shitty life, you wake up late for your crappy life. How awful is that? "I'M LATE FOR...WHAT I HATE!" It's just uclk, with a side of ulck."

- Dane Cook

I didn't wake up late, but when I have, that's how I feel. I've been falling asleep at work so much lately. I can't wait until I get my new bed, which should be tomorrow. Finally, I can just stay in my room and not worry about budgeting my time and being all secrective about being online.

Cable internet is being installed Wednesday...which is great.

I have a quiz in music history tomorrow and then a quiz in math on Wednesday. They shouldn't be too difficult.

I really should learn how to budget my time a little better, I usually read all my assignments like the day they're due...I have to stop doing this...agh.

Work's been ok. Nothing special really going on. Stephen...the dickhead manager, yelled at me again about my cell phone, and today, when I went to punch out, he acted like it was a fuckin' chore or something. Fuck him.

I went to class and came home, and my mom's like..."Thanks for putting the lawn mower away". I was like, "I'm sorry, I know I forgot to put it in the shed." "What? You didn't put it away?" "No." "We didn't put it away." I knew she was bluffing...and she was, and then she starts screaming at me. "YOU DON'T DO ANYTHING AROUND HERE! BLAH BLAH BLAH!" What the fuck?

Well...I've had enough.

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Days Past [12 Sep 2004|12:12am]
[ mood | horny ]

The past few days have been pretty decent considering.

Let's see...

The whole week was rather bland...work, class, home, rip cds, sleep.

Friday night was pretty awesome though.

I had to work from 5:45 to 2:45, which wasn't too bad. I got my paycheck and then went to pick Shawn up from the school. From there, we jetted over to Big Y so he could pick up his paycheck, and then I had my manicure and pedicure appointment.

That was really great. It was like full treatment, water massage for my feet, a massaging chair for my back, moisturizer, fresh nail-polish, and then the manicure. It was awesome, plus my parents paid for it, so, why the Hell not make the most of it? Plus, the Simpsons were on while my nails were drying, so that just capped off the great experience.

Then, off to the Meriden Mall, I got two new shirts: Atreyu (The Curse) and Between the Buried and Me. I got four new pins: Led Zeppelin, Unearth, Atreyu, and Megadeth.

Then off to the movies, sweetness. We saw "Resident Evil: Apocalypse", it was much better than the first.

That was Friday. Today was a little longer feeling, but nonetheless, it was a good day. I had to get up and help my father set up the tagsale, after that was done, I went to class. The psych teacher is cool, so it should be a decent class. She's only 27, and she's really down-to-earth and has us call her by her first name.

After that, picked up Shawn and headed over to Exile in Branford, I got a Mayhem cd there, and then, went to Strawberries and picked up a Death cd.

Then, went home, napped, and then attempted to take Shaina to the movies. I got lost trying to find the Meriden movie theater, so I had to take her home.

Let me just say, she has gotten MUCH better looking. Her acne cleared up, she's wearing nicer clothing, she seems more well kept, her hair isn't half dead and an ugly color, she was gorgeous this evening.

Since I had to take her home, I took Shawn back out, and we went to the super Walmart in Wallingford, and I got three more cds with the money my dad gave me for helping with the tagsale, giving him singles, and also for my stuff that he sold. I bought, (over today):

Death - "Symbolic"
Mayhem - "Mediolanum Capa Est"
Everytime I Die - "Hot Damn!"
Trivium - "Embers to Inferno"
Superjoint Ritual - "A Lethal Dose of American Hatred"

Then, I went home...

Not a whole lot to say.

Life's looking a little better.

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A somewhat lengthy update [09 Sep 2004|12:18am]
[ mood | tired ]

Well, for one, I found out that Window's Media does the same thing as iTunes does pretty much, so I'm currently in the process of ripping all my cds onto my computer.

So far...I'm at the Black Dahlia Murder, only about 100 more to go. Yippy.

Well, work yesterday was a trip...

First of all, I had to open, ok, I can deal with that. Then, they change the gas prices on me, ok, I don't have to change the big-ass sign, but I have to change all the little ones. That wasn't that bad. Then, after getting bitched at by a bunch of idiots who couldn't use the pumps, they changed the prices on me, once again. This time the big sign had to be changed, and as I was in the process of changing it, the door broke on me. I couldn't get back in to take people's money. I had to make change with whatever people gave me, and most weren't patient enough to wait for the manager to come out and attempt to open the door. His attempts, however, were quite useless. He had to have someone from recieving come out and pry open the door with a mini crowbar. After that whole ordeal, I had to finish putting up the sign, and I think someone drove off while I was locked outside, but, me, being lazy and foolish, cleared out all the pumps on the computer that were flashing drive off.

I might be $13.01 short because of that. Oh well.

Then to class, which made the day seem so long. I have a similar schedule tomorrow...agh.

At least I can use my "Hoot-Loot" card to get gas and stuff at the gas station down the street from Southern.

The days have been rather boring otherwise. Work, work, work as always.

Today, gas prices changed AGAIN. Lower and lower...good stuff.

And, as I was walking to punch out, I was with a manager who had to sign my keys back in, and my cell phone goes off. Now, this is a young guy, really laid back, but, when I went to answer it, he goes, "Are you still on the clock?" I chuckle, and go, "Yeah". "Well, you know company policy, no cell phones during work hours." I was like in my head, "WTF!?!?!" Tirice is always on his cell phone, I'm always on my cell phone...it doesn't really matter as long as we get the job done. I mean, I could see if I was out at the station, ignoring people, yacking away on my cell phone, but I was literally 20 feet from the punch clock, and I was about 45 seconds from punching out. Goddamn. It was probably because he thought the store manager was in the vicinity and didn't want to seem like he was encouraging me to talk on my phone will still "working". Plus, it's inventory time at BJ's and all the managers are busy and pissy.

Well, that's enough about work. Luckily, I have tomorrow off, otherwise, I'd be very tired in the morning, I'm determined to copy at least half my cds onto the computer tonight. They're all alphabetized in my cd case, so it goes from Alice in Chains to Zyklon. I'm only missing two letters from the alphabet: X and Y. I might get a cd from the punk band X...and Y, well, Y is tough. I might get a Yes cd...maybe even Yakuza...I don't know, it's a tough decision.

Here it goes again...the Kristi situation is getting weird. She wants a hug from me, I know it's innocent enough, but that's going to hurt. It's like, raw emotion. I'll be lucky if I'm able to let go. It pisses me off, I still think about her constantly...I still hope everyday that her and her boyfriend break up and we'll get back together. It may sound sick or evil, but, I want them to break up. I need her in my life, for better or for worse. It makes me go insane, I swear. All I write about is her and how much she means to me, what I'm feeling, and how things just fell apart. Maybe I'm being obsessive, maybe I'm taking this too far, I don't know, all I know, is that whatever I'm feeling is pure.

Shawn is at least calming down...thank god, he's getting less annoying.

Funny thing happened to him today...

His lighter dropped out of his pocket at lunch and the vice principal saw, and gave him a Saturday school. Luckily, he wasn't searched, because he had just bought a gram of pot from a friend of his. Plus, he had cigarettes on him as well. Naughty naughty boy, stupid stupid boy.

I started writing this song, and it's coming out good. I've got two songs I've been really working on both guitar and bass parts. I'm happy to see my musical vision coming together. Supposedly, Kane (of Scarlitt "fame", my "bandmate" in the other project) has found a session drummer who is going to do the recording for free. Hopefully, I can convince Kane that if I record basslines and background vocals, as well as helping him rework some lyrics and pen a few new originals, he let me split the EP and let me have the drummer record some parts for my little project.

I have a few names in mind for my project, Sacred Blood, The Roman Rituals, or the Latin for "holy flesh" (I can't remember it at the moment, it was in my music history book and sounded really good rolling off my tongue).

Agh...haven't even gotten to the C's yet.

I haven't met that many people in my classes, most of them have no interest in talking to me, and I have little interest in talking to them. There's a couple nice people who I've had conversations with, outside of that, nothing really worthwhile.

Kris, the kid I met at orientation, wants to jam sometime, so I'm going to try and fit in some time in the near future to do that. From what I've been told, he's an amazing soloer and can really tear it up. Maybe I can get him to work with me on my solo stuff. If he's half as good as I've heard he is, I'd really like to have him lay down some solos for me. Or, he's got another guitarist friend, and we all can form a band maybe. I'd like to be the vocalist too, of course.

I guess life really isn't really as miserable as I make it out to seem in my own head. Seriously, all I really need is a girlfriend and my life will be damn near perfect. School's good, work's ok, and I mean, I've got a new car, a new computer, a new social life, a new bed coming, a new setup to my room, it's awesome.

Yeah, we rearranged my room. Now I have plenty of room to jam and bounce around acting all stupid when I sing or play.

I guess I just have to open up a little more. Derek was right, I can get along with more than black-clad metalheads, I should be a bit more gregarious. I can't expect to meet someone exactly like me, and maybe I'm being a bit too narrow-minded and judgemental.

For some reason, I'm getting quite tired. Today wasn't really that long or hard. I read my British Literature assignment, well, "The Cantebury Tales" part of it anyways. I still have to read another part of my history assignment as well. That will get done tomorrow afternoon or morning, and I will read the rest of the British Literature assignment during the three hour break I have in between my classes.

I only have copied up to the C's, I'm stopping at Bodom for the night so I can get some much needed shut-eye.

So, I guess that's all for now.

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I have returned [07 Sep 2004|11:08pm]
[ mood | crappy ]

Yes, it's been a bit, hasn't it?

Well, I finally recieved my new laptop, it's a spiffy little Toshiba number. We're getting cable internet installed on the 15th, and we have all sorts of wonderful equipment for this lovely machine.

I can't seem to get iTunes to download, I tried to download it before, and it started to go and then I had to get offline because something interferred with the connection, and now it won't start downloading again.

Class has been ok.

All my teachers, thus far, are white men who speak English fluently. Not bad, all my classes are fairly simple, that's always a good thing.

Life's ok, nothing really interesting to go on about really.

Still lonely and miserable, but oh well, life goes on.


We reorganized my room and I'm getting a new mattress too. It's a "Sleep Number" dealy. I can adjust it and whatnot. It's coming in two weeks, so until then, I'm sleeping on the guest bed, because we gave my old mattress to my father's coworker.


I blew all my money too fast. I bought four new cds in one trip to the new Walmart.

Alice in Chains - "Nothing Safe"
Bleeding Through - "This is Love, This is Murderous" (Tim took my old copy by accident)
Metallica - "Master of Puppets" (I finally bought it)
Guns 'n Roses - "Greatest Hits"

Fun stuff.

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Another hiatus... [29 Aug 2004|01:34am]
[ mood | miserable beyond words ]

Well, my computer's been acting up, and I'll be lucky if I can finish this entire entry in a sitting without having to restart this computer at least six times.

Well...orientation was really fuckin' useless. I met one cool person, and that was the whole trip.

As for any other interesting tidbits...there really isn't much of anything exciting happening in my life at the moment.

I went school shopping today, I got two new pairs of pants, three new shirts (including a spiffy Mayhem shirt), and a pair of Doc Martin's. Nice. Plus some "The Crow" pins and a new wristband.

That's been the excitement of the past few weeks. It's been the same schedule: work, go out and eat, go home to sleep, repeat.

I want to get some new earrings, I'm considering streching the holes to a 4 gauge...

I called Melissa the other day, and also yesterday, she's already at college. I might, stress might, see her on Labor Day...I doubt it will happen.

I start college techincally tomorrow...goddamit. This summer has been a royal load of shit. I did nothing, got nowhere, and just ended up miserable and alone.

Fuck. Well...I guess that's really all I have to say.

I probably won't update this again until I get my new laptop. Then...I'll be online constantly, because I'm pretty sure we're FINALLY going to get cable internet service.

I bought some more cds...

Children of Bodom - "Follow the Reaper" (I had a burnt copy)
Fear My Thoughts - "The Great Collapse"
Sanctuary - "Into the Mirror Black"
Zyklon - "Aeon"

Good stuff...really good stuff, especially Sanctuary.

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Did you miss me? [22 Aug 2004|10:58am]
[ mood | exhausted ]

It's been a few days...I know, the suspense must be killing everyone...not really...


I worked about 63 hours this week.

My schedule looked a little something like this:

Sunday - OFF
Monday - 11:00 AM - 5:00 PM
Tuesday - 5:45 AM - 11:00 AM and 5:00 PM - 10:45 PM (Bill's hours)
Wednesday - 5:45 AM - 5:00 PM (5:45 AM - 11:00 AM - Bill's hours)
Thursday - This was supposed to be my day off actually, I worked 5:45 AM - 5:00 PM (I covered two other people's shifts, Taylor and Bill...)
Friday - 5:45 AM - 10:45 PM (That's a triple shift, no one was scheduled to open, I had the 11:00 - 5:00 shift, and I took Bill's closing shift)
Saturday - 5:00 PM - 10:45 PM

Yes...63 hours almost. That's sick. But that means...nearly a $600 paycheck. Oh yes.

The week has been primarily quite boring though. Work, come home, sleep, repeat the next day.

I took Derek out for his birthday...I wanted to treat him to dinner, but unfortunately, the banks close at 6:00, which I had forgotten, but I still took him out, which I'm glad I did, it was a nice meal.

I attempted to go see "The Exorcist: The Beginnings", but of course, Shawn's mother is a cunt, and is like, "Well, find an earlier movie, you have to get up for work." Bleh. We tried to go to the theater in Middletown, which basically is like way out there, and is quite hard to find. It was an 11:10 showing, and we made good time, but, we couldn't find it. So we gave up and were going to get Dominoes. But, the fuckers closed early, so I took us to Taco Bell...which...ha...closes at 2:00 on the weekends.

We got back to his house, and ate, then I fell right asleep. I had to piss in the morning, but his mom walked into the room all pissed off, so I pretended I was still asleep, and she yelled at him for calling out of work because he "didn't feel good". His mom was all like, "That's it, no more going out with your friends...I've had it!" I wanted to laugh, I'm like the only friend has that takes him out of the house, except for a couple people he works with.

The fucker didn't wake me up, so I left his house at like 10:00ish...then I had to get ready to go get my cd changer taken out of the Pathfinder and put into the Tracer.

I got that done...and didn't get out of there until like 3:30 or so. It cost me $100.00...which I had luckily, otherwise, I'd be fucked.

I left there, and it was raining hellishly...thunder, lightning, the works. I went home for a while, then left, and stopped at Dunkin' Donuts...and Ashlie was there. Yay. She leaned over the counter and gave me a hug, and we sat talking for a while. She gave me my tea for free...which was very nice of her. I had to leave for work and she leaned over the counter, hugged me, and gave me a kiss on the cheek...and I was gone.

That was the highlight of yesterday...actually of my whole week...

She also gave me one of the professional pictures from the prom...I look awful, and she looks lovely as always. She's such a sweetheart. I'd come see her today, but she starts work after I do...and I doubt I'll get a decent break.

Two hours...ugh. Then tomorrow I open...yippee. But, Tuesday through Thursday I have off for orientation, so that should be a nice break.

I bought more cds too...

Iron Maiden - Piece of Mind
The Ramones - Loud, Fast, The Ramones: Their Toughest Hits
Cradle of Filth - Dusk...And Her Embrace

Very nice indeed. This week, I'll be getting a shitload more cds. I'm going to take care of a couple car payments, and put some in the bank, and the rest, well, that's going to be used for cds.

I'm looking forward to this coming weekend, my parents will be away, so that means I finally get some much needed freedom.

Well...that's all for now. Maybe something interesting will develop in the coming days...so until then...farewell.

1 comment|post comment

The lawsuit of the century [16 Aug 2004|09:20pm]
[ mood | anxious ]

Oh Sweet CHRIST! This goddamn idiot drove up to the station, after getting gas, and I was outside changing the huge-ass sign in front, says to me, "You know you have to change the sign?" I'm like, "Yeah, it's raining now, so I can't really get the sign down easily". "Well, people are expecting the gas to be $1.91, and it's actually $1.93." "I know. All the signs at the pumps have been changed, and the computers have been programmed." "Well, BY LAW, you should change that sign, otherwise people can press charges of fraud".

Seriously...what a fuckin' loser. Some prick in a business suit, in the shittiest car possible, thinking he's got a point to be made. So, he sat there to watch me go over to the sign, and then left. I got all the numbers down, which is a pain in the ass, and then at the end of the day got all the new numbers back up.

I had to take this 15 foot pole with a suction cup on the end of it and put the plexiglass numbers on it, get it into this groove and slide it into place 20 feet above me.

Well, I took all of Bill's hours...that means 40+ hours this week...I need the cash, so why the Hell not?

I'm opening tomorrow...agh. Then, I leave, and come back, oh the fun!

Then double shifts every other day...weeee.

Today was just busy...but that's alright.

Hopefully tomorrow will be smoother than today.

Well...I'm talking to Jackie right now...I'm going to ask her on some type of date...WISH ME LUCK! I FUCKIN' NEED IT!

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