Is it wrong to get pissed about something like that?
We dated for about six months, and I know love can't be pushed, but we were friends for years, and I left the biggest relationship in that point of my life to try and find a greater level of happiness with her. I could've patched things up with Kristi, and who knows where the fuck we'd be right now? We'd be waiting to get married...I could almost guarantee it. But, I went and ran off with her.
And for awhile, a long while actually, life couldn't have been better. I feel like ranting, so those of you not interested in my past relationship should skip this next whole section (I'll be nice and mark it off, I'm not putting it behind a cut, because people rarely look behind a cut). Here it goes:
It all started on Friday the 13th, June 2003. It was my morbidly romantic way of telling her that she meant the world to me, that I'd be a poser fool to chose the 13th, especially Friday the 13th, to start our relationship.
Actually...it started before then, not the relationship itself, but what precipitated to what became our relationship.
We had dated in late 2002, and it ended just after the beginning of 2003. I had foolishly asked an ex to send me revealing photos on a lonely New Years' Eve, for instead of talking to me on that night, Melissa was busy getting drunk and spending time with the friends who viciously made fun of her religion and family. She promised she would talk to me, and when I tried calling her, she told me to call back after the ball had dropped. I called, she didn't answer.
I was torn up with guilt about looking at the pictures, and I was going to an ex-girlfriend's birthday (with two ex-girlfriends), where there would be a vast majority of females over males, I was one of two males there. So, I broke things off with her so I wouldn't do something stupid and break her heart worse than I already had. It was only in the middle of our long relationship that I had told her about the pictures my ex-girlfriend had sent me. She had forgiven me totally and said it wouldn't have even bothered her at all, as long as I cared about her at the end of the day, it was just like looking at photos of porn stars...it can't hurt, unless you go out and try to fuck them.
But back to where it all began...
Kristi and I had been dating a long time, things were going well. I had lost my virginity to her, and we made love a lot, and loved each other so much, we planned to get married after high school...but...things started going awry...
She started talking to this asshole, Zack...he seemed innocent enough, he lived out of state, and he was an aspiring musician, harmless right? WRONG. The motherfucker was writing love songs and flirting with my girlfriend. I could've fuckin' beat his brains in. She was so fuckin' interested in him..."Oh he writes his own songs!" "So do I." "Well, he can record them." "Well, if I had the money, I'd record mine." "He said he wrote a song just for me!" "I've written songs for and about you baby, you know how much you mean to me." "But, he sent it to me, and I got to listen to it!" "Well, if you ever asked me to play something for you, I would." She never seemed to give a shit about me and what I was doing with my music and my life, but this guy was like a god to her or something.
It all went crashing down on Easter night of 2003. The day itself was great, she was so sweet to me. We cuddled on the couch and she rented one of my favorite movies just for me ("The Nightmare Before Christmas") and then the night came. Her relatives left, and I was waiting for my dad to come and get me. Then, the phone rings. It's Zack. She goes and talks to him, that's just plain fuckin' rude. I told her it would be nice to just have the rest of the night to just me and her, but she kept talking. Then we started arguing. Then, I broke out in tears, she just made me feel like I was less than this fucking stranger, this motherfucker who was trying to covet the one fucking thing in this world that I loved.
Melissa, around this time, had started talking to me again. I would complain to her about what Kristi was doing to me, and how insane she was driving me, and we would talk for hours about nothing, and it was just a real pleasure to have someone there who would listen to me and care about the things I said.
That's when Kristi went into the defensive bitch mode. She was claiming Melissa was trying to destroy our relationship and that she was "clouding my mind". She cut out one of those little "Love is..." comic strips and made some analogy with it and made me swear my love for her was absolute. Well, it was...until she started getting under my skin to the point where any little thing would have her threatening to break up with me. If I wore too much makeup, if I grew my hair out, if I spent time with Melissa.
We went on a break for a few weeks. Melissa and I spent some time together in that time.
She took me to see "House of 1,000 Corpses", and that night was just great. We went to the mall and I bought my first death metal cd (Cryptopsy - None So Vile) and we just held hands and acted like we were a couple. We cuddled during the movie, and when she took me home, she kissed me on the cheek, but I decided, "Why not give her a real kiss?" So I kissed her on the lips. That probably wasn't the smartest move.
The next "date" we went on, we went to Barnes and Nobles and looked around, then went to the graveyard in Northford where my great grandmother's remains are. We spent the night looking, but it was dark and misty out, so we could barely see. She took me back home and the night just added rather sourly.
The next week, Kristi and I were back together. No more than a few days later, she basically told me that she liked Zack and that I could either deal with it and she'd still be with me and love me, or that we should just break up. I chose the latter of the two, I couldn't deal with her not being totally dedicated to me.
So, school was coming to an end, and summer was nearing, Melissa and I spent an evening together at her house. We watched "Ice Age" and cuddled. I sat listened to her heart beating, we exchanged just these long, meaningful stares. I played with her hair, she played with mine, and we just knew there was chemistry more powerful than either of us had ever realized in our first relationship.
So...Friday the 13th rolls around, and I knew what I was going to do. She picked me up that night, and we went to a church function, basically a buffet/cake raffle. It was fun...considering it was a Mormon function (she's a "devout" Mormon). One of the kids was just like, "Tell your girlfriend"...and her and I just took things as they were. People kept asking us how long we had been together and whatnot, and at the end of the evening, I was just like, "Well, do you want to be mine?" She just smiled and said "yes".
Life was good. Seriously amazing. School was over and we spent the summer nights together for the most part. I blew my money on her and we went out a lot, and it was just a great summer. I took her to OZZfest, didn't make her pay a cent for the best seats available to the public. I felt she didn't even appreciate that...
There started to be a few things that bothered me in the relationship...
First of all...she never argued with me. She never raised her voice, she never got mad with me. She just took things with this amazing amount of grace...it annoyed me. It was just like, "CHRIST WILL YOU FUCKIN' YELL AT ME, CALL ME A NAME! SCREAM...DO SOMETHING!"
The second thing is a little less serious, but it's the little things that matter right? Well...as I said, I took her to OZZfest and she didn't seem to appreciate it. I didn't expect her to want to be around me all day, but I asked her just once, once to come up front with me for Cradle of Filth. She knew that was the biggest reason why I went to see OZZfest and she didn't come with me. This happened again at the Nevermore concert, when they came on, she was just like, "Oh, go ahead and enjoy them honey, I'm going to sit and talk to my friends." I wanted her to see me enjoying the concert...but no...she couldn't do that for me, just that one little goddamn thing. I could've taken anyone to those shows, but I wanted to share what I loved with her and I gave her the option of not goijng, I told her it wasn't that big of a deal, I could find someone else to go, but she was just like, "Honey, I'll go just to see you happy." Well...I gave you the chance to see me at my happiest, but you were to busy smoking and chatting it up with your friends. Goddammit.
So...school time rolls around, we spend less and less time together, and we drift apart, Kristi becomes a threat to the relationship, because I still loved (and still love) her. I couldn't get her off my mind, so that fucking tore our relationship in half. The summer sheltered us from this happening, but now that she was spending little time with me and Kristi was in my face every fucking day, I wanted her back, and started to really resent Melissa. Well...things came apart after the Nevermore concert...
I was on the verge of saying those three words to her...and I remember the exact instance when I was going to say it to her. I wanted it to be special, I wanted it to have meaning.
We were outside of Toad's Place before the Nevermore show and she went to light up a cigarette, I told her to not do it, and she stopped. I looked into her eyes, and they just shone like never before. They were full of this beautiful innocence and vibrance that I had never seen in someone else's eyes before, I just couldn't stay mad at her. I was like, "I have something to say..." and trailed off. I look back on it and I really had wished I had fucking said it. It might've saved us, I might've attached myself to her and stayed out of trouble and not fucked my life into the shithole it's in now.
In her profile now, it says, "blah blah blah 'Wait, they don't love you like I love you." Fuck. She's found love and it tears me up inside. Just like Kristi and her boyfriend. Everyone has someone to love pretty much, and I'm here stuck cursing my stupidity and am lonely beyond the point of words. It probably doesn't help that I think and talk about it so goddamn much, but FUCK! I can't help it.
There, it's over now...
My day was ok. Not too great, but then again, it went by quickly enough. Woke up, mowed the lawn, did some housework, went to class, and went home.
I hope work goes by just as fast. The Durham Fair is tomorrow night and I'm going with Shawn and Kane and I'm going to stuff myself stupid with horribly fatty fair food. Fried dough, gyros, french fries, steak sandwiches, hamburgers, candy...all the shit I really shouldn't eat so much of.
I cut my hair too. I mean, all by myself. It's like, a faux-hawk...it's shaved on the sides, and the back and top are long. I found out one of the people from personnel goes to Southern and she saw the haircut, she didn't look to happy.
Well...that's it...I have to get up tomorrow at around 4:00 AM and get to work and not be late this time. And, yay...paycheck-ness. Sweet.